Distract Me Read online

  DISTRACT ME

  M.J. Berterman

  Copyright 2017 Marie Berterman

  Distract Me

  Marie Berterman

  All Rights Reserved

  In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any part of this book without the permission of the author or publisher constitutes unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s intellectual property. If you would like to use the material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior written permission must be obtained from the author.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblances to actual events, locales, or persons living or dead, are coincidental.

  Contents

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHAPTER TWO

  CHAPTER THREE

  CHAPTER FOUR

  CHAPTER FIVE

  CHAPTER SIX

  CHAPTER SEVEN

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  CHAPTER NINE

  CHAPTER TEN

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  ABOUT M.J. BERTERMAN

  CHAPTER ONE

  The overcast of dark clouds made my room look darker this morning, which made it even harder to focus. A haze had settled over the city, and it sent a chill through my body. As the water from the shower hit hard against my face, it felt more like pelting sleet. Getting dressed was an effort. Please, Adi, just be numb, so you won’t be disappointed. I had no motivation to get ready. Ready for what? I’d asked myself that question a million times, but I still didn’t know, and that was what I feared the most. Feeling this pain all over again was worse than the first time it hit me.

  The thought of applying makeup just felt stupid and not worth the time. Dabbing my face with concealer, I covered the dark circles under my eyes. Making myself presentable by covering up and concealing my pain was something that I was good at by now.

  Can the numbness of my body show them what I need them to see? My heart ached, but they would never see that. Minutes passed, but it felt like hours. A soft knock on the door startled my silent body. It had to be Chase. He was a few minutes late. The door cracked open, and his face fell when his eyes caught mine. His were bloodshot. Chase tried to smile, but I knew it was forced. He looked good, but he always did. Even in the worst of times, he was so put together, unlike me. I tried to give him a reassuring smile, but I couldn’t. There was no strength, at least not today.

  Chase was my muscle, and he had been my voice when I couldn’t speak. We grew up ten years apart, which created a challenge at times, but he quickly became the protective big brother after getting over the initial shock of having a little sister and not the brother he had wished for. The promise of Disney World that my parents had given him vanished with the months of my mother’s growing belly and a baby nursery next to his bedroom. Chase would cringe with every cry that woke him, and he cursed under his breath that he wished he were enjoying the life of an only child.

  As we grew together, he would joke I was the leech that sucked his happiness away. However, with each battle of words against me, it would always end with a tickle fight. If I ever had a problem, he was the solver, a detective, and my teacher. He had most importantly shown me the guidance I had needed. Chase’s tall frame looked a bit shorter today, and he wasn’t his confident self. I watched him carefully as he ran his hands through his short dark blond hair. He blinked, but his blue eyes looked of a dull blue today. I watched as Chase slowly stepped inside the living room of my small apartment. This place, though small, is one of my comforts. Looking around curiously, he cleared his throat. I saw him eying the back hallway toward Mariella’s bedroom.

  “She’s sleeping,” I whisper to confirm his suspicion.

  He was trying not to wake her because we both knew it wasn’t a good idea to tell her about today. Although she carried me when I couldn’t carry myself, my brother and I needed to do this alone. I swallowed hard. It hurt me not to include her today. Mariella wasn’t only my cousin but my best friend, too. From the age you could share your secrets with someone, I did with her. Of course, we had no choice but to love each other because our mothers were sisters, but I like to think I chose her anyway. She is my rock.

  Growing up, we were always asked if we were sisters and not cousins. The question was valid. We share the same chestnut brown hair with a natural wave of dark blonde running throughout, although Mariella always kept hers shorter than I did mine. Our green eyes are just like both of our mothers. However, she’d always been taller than I was with more curves, which I envied. I loved her style, but it made it difficult to share her clothes.

  Taking a deep breath, it was back to reality and time to go, or we would be late. My reflection stared back at me one last time in the mirror as I smoothed down my black pencil skirt and straightened out the tuck of my purple V-neck shirt. I made sure to wear purple today. I had to for her. My heels were short, but I still wasn’t confident I should attempt to walk in them. My nerves were going against my balance much of the morning, and I knew it would only get worse. Grabbing my short black blazer jacket, I put it on to warm the chills that ripped through my body. My fingers played with the charm on my necklace as I took a slow breath in. This was really happening today, and I doubted I could do this.

  Chase tapped his watch. “Let’s go.”

  I nodded in return. Almost stumbling into the elevator, I grabbed onto the safety bar to catch myself. It didn’t take long for the elevator to stop at the parking garage of my building. Chase drove his new white Denali. It was shining brightly. I was thankful I didn’t have to walk far as I cursed my heels.

  “Nice new ride.” I opened the door to get in.

  “Thanks, we needed it.” He rolled his eyes as he shut my door.

  His wife, Delilah, picked it out because their family was growing and they needed additional room. I smirked as I got in the passenger seat. He was expecting his third daughter next month. It seemed impossible for him to get the boy he always wanted since I was born. But I loved his little girls. They saved me from the darkness that consumed me at times. Children have a way of bringing out the joy in everything. They keep you going through their innocence. The only monsters that haunt them are the ones under their bed with goo, one eye, and big teeth that made up of their imagination. They don’t compare to the evil monster that haunts me.

  The car ride was a blur. I was nervous my anxiety would come full force, and Chase’s new car would fall victim to my growing stomach pains. I cracked the window to get some much-needed air. Time was ticking away, but it took exactly thirty-five minutes to pull up to the parking meter in front of our destination. It was an old brick building, no other color but black writing. I couldn’t feel any more detached from this place.

  My eyes scanned the area for a familiar sign or person, but there weren’t any. Stepping out onto the sidewalk pavement, my steps didn’t feel of my own. My feet were lead dragging under me, and everything felt foreign. Swallowing hard, I thought about running back to the car. Just stop and breathe. Slow deep breaths. I can do this. My heart was pounding, but somehow, my body carried me to the inside of the building. Glancing around the small entryway, my nose scrunched from the smell of a dirty mop they tried to mask with bleach. I felt smothered. I was going to fall over and land face first on this dirty, stained floor. Cupping my nose with my hand, I pled for my body not to fail me now. I owe this to her and
to myself to get through it. My attention fell to the hands that abruptly patted down my body. It kind of hurt, but I stood still. She was rubbing my body down in search of something that I could be hiding.

  “Take your shoes off,” the rough older woman commanded me.

  Rolling my eyes, I did as I was told. This felt wrong. I’m not the monster they should be worried about. Shaking with fear, the pit of my stomach felt empty as pains started to twist up inside me. Vomiting felt too easy because it would be my way out of this. My bag began to feel heavy, so I shifted it higher on my shoulder.

  “Please make your way through the red doors.” The other guard yelled over to us through the crumbs of a tasty cake falling from his mouth.

  I followed Chase through the barred red doors and buzzing sounds. We stopped at a narrow row of gold metal chairs that faced the table at the front of the room. Brushing down the wrinkles of my skirt, we sat and waited. Pressure built up in my head, and it felt like it was going to explode. Quickly, I unzip the top of my bag to find my paper.

  “Where is it?” I panic as my hand searched recklessly through my bag. “This is crazy.” I was starting to sweat now. It was just in there this morning. My hands shook as I ripped through my bag. Finally, my fingers brushed against the smoothness of the cool paper, and I grabbed it tight in fear I would lose it again. How can a piece of paper feel so heavy in my hands? As my breath slowed, I considered reading it. Practice? My handwriting is peeking through the top, which tempts me. Shrugging, I fold the paper. I wouldn’t be able to focus right now so my words would be foreign to me. My eyes were foggy as I glanced around the room. Where should I look? The walls felt like they were closing in around me. Every fear was coming back to me, and I’m scared out of my mind. I’m trembling, and I can’t concentrate on my strength. I was only supposed to go through this once, but here I am again. Chase’s eyes widened as he watched the paper shake in my hand. He massaged my shoulder because he knew I was panicking. It was a nice gesture, but it didn’t calm me.

  “Adilyn, look at me,” Chase whispered. “You’ll be okay, we’ll be okay,” he whispered as he lay his head on my shoulder.

  I barely lift my chin to look at him. He used my full name and not Adi, which meant he was serious. This is serious, and I don’t want to fail her. Oh, God, please help me get through this.

  Nervously, I looked down at my watch. The time was passing quickly, and they still hadn’t called our last name. However, at this point, I wasn’t sure if I’d even recognize it. The room was getting darker, and no sound existed but my breathing. I stopped. He was entering the room now, and the tightness in my chest was consuming me. He looked calm. Fuck, I hate him for that. The shackles dragging at his feet caught his attention as he looked down. He should have been watching each step in those chains because he put them there. I tried to force my eyes to look away, but I couldn’t because I was drawn to him like a bug to light.

  First, I saw his denim shirt with a number, and next, the denim pants with the same number. That number defines him now. I cursed under my breath.

  That’s all you are is a fucking number, you monster.

  My body was in shock, and I couldn’t move. I was stuck and begging myself to just stay calm. Please, just look away, just look at Chase, please look anywhere but at him. The jingle of the chains got louder as he moved closer. There was nothing separating us but these small metal chairs. Acid rose up in my throat as he looked right into my eyes. I can’t do this. My heart is not ready for this. Shifting in my seat, I watch him carefully. My butt was sore from sitting on this cold, metal chair, but I had nowhere else to go. Coldness ripped through me, but I was sweating at the same time. My hands felt clammy, and my internal thermostat was failing me.

  Suddenly, I felt the urge to run because I needed space now. Lunging forward from my chair, I made a break for the exit. My body paused, and I knew I looked frantic. Where am I going? I don’t really care. I just need to go anywhere but here. Get away from this filthy place and get away from the monster of my nightmares. My mind was moving so fast that I hadn’t realized my body had come to a hard, abrupt stop. I was face to face with a large woman blocking the doorway, and she was watching my every move.

  “Please, just let me get by,” I quietly begged.

  Suddenly, her huge arms come crashing into me right before I fall to the dirty floor.

  CHAPTER TWO

  A light breeze on my face triggered my eyes to open. An older woman was hovering above me waving both of her small hands in front of me. She had white hair and was wearing scrubs. She calmed me as she spoke.

  “Are you with us, child?” Her hand touched my cheek, and I nodded.

  Sitting up, I looked around the room—a room I don’t remember walking into myself.

  “I’m okay, but where is Chase?” I asked.

  The lady smiles as she points to the corner of the room. It was hard for me to see at first, so I wiped my eyes, relieved when I finally saw Chase. He was sitting next to a heavy wooden desk that was covered in file folders. Closing my eyes, I took a deep breath as I cradled my knees to my chest. I knew I looked helpless, but I couldn’t believe I let him down. He had to be disappointed in me because I was disappointed in myself. Opening my eyes, I focused on his face trying to hold back the tears.

  “Chase, I’m so sorry I let you down.” Before I could finish, he rushed to my side and sat me up against him.

  “Adi, you didn’t let me down.” He placed his chin on top of my head and squeezed me tighter.

  “When you’re ready, they’re still waiting for us in the other room, so we’ll try again.” His words came out shaky and unsure.

  Chase shifted his eyes to the nurse and then to our attorney, who is nervously rubbing his jaw line. He looked just as panicked as I felt.

  “Can you give us a minute?” he asked them. “She’s okay. I just need to give her a little pep talk,” Chase added with hesitation.

  They nod and leave the room as quickly as I remember them entering. Holding tight onto Chase’s arm, I balanced myself to my feet. Feeling defeated and weak, I brush off my skirt and straighten out my shirt.

  “How long was I out?” I asked nervously.

  “Five minutes tops...you’re such a Clumsy Claire. You always have been.” Chase let out a giggle and nudged my shoulder with his.

  I tried to ignore him, but his visual mockery of my fall soon succumbed, and I let out a belly laugh that I couldn’t stop. His comment wasn’t that funny, but I didn’t have any other emotion to show. Pains pulsed through my sides from the laughter, but it soon turned into sobs. It hurt so badly, and I couldn’t hold back any longer. Falling into the chair, I hid my face in my hands. My makeup was gone, and I was a mess.

  “Let it out, Adi. Just let it out.” He was crying now too.

  His face was pale, and I realized, for the first time in a year, he needed me too. How have I been so selfish? He was older, but that didn’t matter. We needed each other. I never noticed his pain because he had been too busy dealing with mine, also. Jumping up, I rested my arms around his neck as we cried together. Five minutes passed before either of us could get our shit together. He was just a fucking mess like me, and in a weird way, it gave me strength. I gave him my hand, and he smiled. For the first time, I felt like I could do this.

  I’m ready to show him and everyone else my strength.

  “Let’s get you to Disney World.” I winked.

  He laughed at my corny joke even though we were both emotionally exhausted. Walking hand in hand slowly to the other room, we passed the barred red doors that buzzed, but this time, I did it without hesitation. The room was quiet, and I felt everyone’s eyes upon us as we sat down. A burning hole was ripping through my chest, but I no longer cared. Clearing my throat, I reached for my paper that had fallen to the ground beside the metal chair that I had just abandoned. Grabbing a tissue from my bag, I waited again. This was still going to be hard no matter how much strength I had gained.

 
; Holding Chase’s hand tightly, I promised I wouldn’t let go this time. The deep voice of the parole commissioner read our case number to everyone in the room—the number that defines our family now. I’m ready. My neck wells up in a red rash with each word he spoke. It was my nervous tick and gave me away every time I was pissed off, scared, saddened, or just plain overwhelmed.

  My fingers held tight to the charm of my necklace for balance. The commissioner glanced over at us, looking through his black frame glasses that perched on the end of his nose. He didn’t show us an ounce of emotion, and it scared me. I assumed he was used to this because he did it every day. It was his job, so I shouldn’t take it personally. The people may be different, but the crimes were all the same to him.

  Closing my eyes, I listened carefully. Each word struck me as he read the details of the crash. My head was spinning with the sounds of screeching tires and the screams that I had only imagined. They haunted me every night. The thought of the horrific sounds that filled the car were all left to my imagination because I wasn’t there. Guilt hit me hard. I hated that I wasn’t there with her.

  Holding tight to my chair, my ears rang as he informed everyone of the high levels of alcohol that Mr. Thomas Bowles had consumed that evening he decided to get behind the wheel of his vehicle.

  His name didn’t matter—I only knew him as the monster.

  “Thomas Bowles entered the highway at a high rate of speed without stopping at the stop sign. Mr. Bowles’s vehicle took the right away and collided with the vehicle owned and operated by Frederick and Leann Archer.” The commissioner pronounced each detail with precision to the accident report.

  There it was—my last name and my parents’ car. Everything that felt foreign in this place was now too familiar. It was my life they spoke of, the one that was ruined. I wanted to gag and erase my mind of the photos presented to everyone. The car looked like it had exploded, the metal morphed and wrapped around parts of the car I didn’t recognize. Tears fell down my cheeks, but I wouldn’t be weakened. It was for the pain I knew both of my parents felt that night.